


Not About Angels

by chaylariche



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America (Movies) RPF, Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Brainwashing, M/M, Psychological Torture, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 08:45:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3168695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaylariche/pseuds/chaylariche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky has to hold on, he has to fight back because he knows Steve would if it were him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not About Angels

All he knows, all he feels, all he remembers is pain.

He can't escape it; he knows, he's tried. Tried to run, strong arm his way out, has even killed someone in an attempt to escape. But every time, they overpower him and he's back in the chair.

The chair. God, how he hates that fucking chair. It's everything that he fears. And he knows that one day that chair is where he will give up, it's where he'll lose hope, where he'll give in to their ways. Where he'll die. That chair will turn into his coffin and he knows this and accepts this, but one thing Bucky does not do is accept that he will die as _theirs._

They keep trying to make him their weapon, their soldier, their _asset._ They ask him every morning whether he has decided to fuel their cause. Every morning he answers "Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th, 32557" and every afternoon is spent torturing Bucky in various ways until he relents, which he never does. Every night, Bucky is strapped back into the chair and cries. He cries for himself, because he knows he'll never leave, because he knows he'll die here. He cries for all of the other men who went through what he's going through now and didn't make it out alive. And he cries for Steve.

Steve and his beautiful baby blues and Bucky's favorite shy smile. Steve's undying loyalty and endless hope. Steve's compassion and determination, his urge to always do what's right. He cries for Steve's stupidity and his stubbornness, his morals and his soul, his big hands and strong arms that he will never feel hold him again. He cries for Steve's waist that he'll never get to wrap his arms around again. He cries for Steve's neck that he'll never get to bury his face in again. He cries for Steve's thighs which he'll never get to feel tremble from their night of making love again. He cries for Steve's back and chest that he'll never get to lather in kisses after Steve is spent. He cries for Steve's lips that he'll never get to taste again. He cries because he knows Steve thinks he's dead, but God does he hope that one day this place will go up in flames, and while the world is burning around him, he'll see his beloved Steve walk through the fire for him again.

But until then, Bucky's torture doesn't end. Upon his capture, he's stayed strong and resisted all of their attempts to interrogate him. They started out relatively calmly, asking him about their battle strategies and the like. When he wouldn't answer those, they got impatient.

Zola came to him and asked him to help their cause in a new way. To become an assassin for them, for the Russians. Bucky had scoffed and spat in Zola's face at the idea.

"Bad news for you, sport. I'm a patriot," he growled. Zola had simply given him an unnerving smile.

The next day, they began torturing him.

They started with beating him. Three large, burly Russian soldiers would unstrap him from the chair, throw him into a windowless room and beat every surface of Bucky's body they could reach. A kick to the face, a broken nose, cracked ribs, a stomp on the leg, etc. Bucky tried not to show any pain, but that tactic became futile when they decided that using solely their fists wasn't enough.

They began to beat him with canes, bruising his face to where it was no longer recognizable. They concentrated their efforts on his severed arm most times, leaving Bucky writhing in pain after each beating.

After deciding beatings weren't enough, Zola added more methods of torture to Bucky's schedule. Scientists would strap him to the chair and begin frying his brain with their machines. They placed a beam on either side of his temples, strapping his body to the chair and giving him a mouth guard so he didn't bite his tongue off. Every time Bucky heard the machine powering up, he hyperventilated, thrashing against the seat, trying to break free. The scientists turned it to its highest capacity and would leave for hours at a time. Bucky screamed until his tongue was dry, screamed until his throat scratched, screamed until his eyes rolled back into his head. When he couldn't scream anymore, he convulsed and could feel his pooled saliva running out of his mouth and down his chin. The pain was unbearable and with every jolt to his brain, Bucky thrashed and cried, begging for it to end, begging for mercy, begging for Steve, _God please Steve, please get me out of here, please save me,_ but no matter how much he begged, Steve never came and the torture never stopped.

Bucky's favorite method of torture was waterboarding. The soldiers would lie his broken body on the ground and cover his face with a rag. They'd pour water over the rag, essentially giving him the sensation of drowning. Bucky liked this best because it was easy to forget where he was. The water clogs his nose and his mouth, seeping into his lungs and taking over every part of his brain. His focus was on the water: _how do I stop it, how do I get it out, how do I survive._

But Bucky didn't want to survive. He wanted it to end, all of it. The torture, the war, his life, he just didn't care anymore. As each day passed, his resolve broke more and more and he could see that infamous light at the end of the tunnel, could see an end to this life, could see his beautiful Steve calling to him, reaching out to him, begging him to run to him. And Bucky wanted to, wanted to run to Steve more than anything. He'd get up, dust himself off, and walk towards Steve with arms outstretched. And right before their hands met, he's pulled back into reality by another wave of water drowning him.

The only reason he stays strong is for Steve. Steve needs him to stay strong, has always needed him to stay strong. He has to in the hopes that he'll see Steve again and be able to say, "I never gave up, Stevie. I stayed strong for you." He needs to stay strong so he can see Steve smile down at him like Steve's a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.

But until then, Bucky endures as much as he can.

He hates when they wipe him because he can feel himself losing. With every wipe he forgets more and more about himself. He can't remember his address, how old he was when he got his first kiss. Can't remember what flavor gum his sister likes best, or the name of his first girlfriend. Can't remember the name of the movie he saw with Steve, or the guy who saved his life by pushing him out of the way of a sniper. He can't remember a little piece of himself as each day passes, as he brain cell is fried. But he never forgets anything about Steve.

And it seems like this has been going on since he can remember, the endless torture, never ending pain. He wakes up to beatings, is thrown into drowning, then has all he's ever known and loved wiped from his memory. It's a vicious cycle he can't get away from that repeats day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day...

Then one day, Zola walks in and calmly tells the scientist who are frying away Bucky's precious memories to stop. They turn off the machine and Bucky's screaming dies down. He's sat panting and crying, trying to gather his breath. Zola waits patiently until Bucky's heart rate returns to normal and smiles at him as they make eye contact.

"Sergeant Barnes," he says. "I have some news for you."

Bucky swallows and tries to look intimidating, but he knows there are still tears streaming down his face.

Zola holds up a newspaper and throws it at Bucky's face. It hits him and then falls to the ground, broadcasting the article title. As Bucky reads the title, Zola smugly states, "Your Captain is dead."

Upon hearing this, Bucky wouldn't believe it to be true. But he has to believe it because it's staring him right in the face. 'Captain America Dives Into Arctic- Saves World-Ends War'. _This isn't true, this can't be true, it's not true, Steve's coming, he's_ _coming, he'll be here, he'll find me, he's gonna find me, he's gonna kill every last one of you son's a bitches and he's gonna save me, he has to save me, please God, please save me, Steve please save me, you have to save me, please Stevie, please_ and Bucky's resolve finally breaks. His body sags against the straps and he cries freely now as he stares down at Steve's face on the article. His tears begin to fall on the picture, ruining it and he lets out a sob because _it's over for me, I'm going to die here._

He faintly hears Zola mutter something to the scientists and he feels the machine powering up again. He steels himself for the shocks that no longer fry his brain, but his heart. Each jolt is a stab to his heart and he screams Steve's name as he's wiped. He can't even think about the pain the wiping is causing him because the pain at the loss of Steve is flooding his every thought. He'll never see Steve again, or hear his voice, or touch his hands, or kiss his lips and a world without Steve is not one he wants to live in.

And as he spits out his mouth guard, he screams "Kill me, please just kill me!" over and over as they crank up the machine, sending stronger waves through him and he just screams it louder and louder, begging them for an end, begging them for death. But of course they don't comply. They want to see him break, want to see him bleed. Bucky sobs as his torturers leave the room with the machine still running, still stripping him of his identity with every wave of electricity. He screams for Steve and he screams for himself. He can finally feel himself slipping away. He feels the memories of Steve leave him, one by one.

He knows the pain will never subside. He'll always feel an ache, a Steve-size hole in his heart. But he can feel the pain and darkness creeping in, can feel all that Zola's done finally doing its work. He remembers less and less, can't make sense of anything, can only feel himself being taken apart and put back together by something that isn't and will never be _him._ His eyes roll back into his head and as he starts to lose consciousness, the last think he remembers is _I'm so sorry Steve, but you were my only reason to be strong._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When he wakes, he remembers pain and fear. He remembers darkness. And he remembers a name. A name that he will never speak; he knows it will be too dangerous to say out loud. This name will plague his dreams and his nightmares for 70 years. So he keeps it to himself, staying silent when they ask him what he remembers. Lying, and saying that he remembers nothing.  But he does remember. Remembers only one thing.

A single name.

 

 

 

Steve.

**Author's Note:**

> 'Not About Angels' is a song by Birdy and I think it's very Stucky-esque so I used it as the title. I hope you caught my reference to Sebastian Stan's line in Hot Tub Time Machine! Feel free to leave any comments on whether you loved or hated it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
